Handle with Pastoral Care
Chapter 1: Care-y the Conversation
I heard God speak to me.
He said, “Go to England,” which sounded like fun since I was ready for a change of scenery. But this story isn’t just about me (and how badly I misunderstood God’s calling years ago). A recent conversation (described below) - the impetus for this book, does feel like it will permanently impact my life. But in reality, I don’t know how this story ends…that’s why it’s titled “Chapter 1.”
What I do know is that it’s about pastoral care - try to contain your excitement. So for anyone wondering how Ghostbusters, pit bulls, and a pear tree fit together - coupled with church health and what may become a pastoral care model, keep reading.
Friends Leave: Hector and Dale vs. Evil
Hector was my best friend. And in kindergarten, few things mattered more. We walked to and from school together, sat next to each other in class, and ate lunch together. I was jealous of his quesadillas (on abuelita’s homemade tortillas) and he loved my Hi-C Ecto Coolers. Mutually beneficial trading cements relationships.
One day we got a call that Hector had been mauled by two pit bulls. We prayed for my friend every day for weeks. I missed him but he didn’t want any visitors because he was so self-conscious. His mom told my mom that Hector’s head was a patchwork of stitches and staples. I pictured that scene in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back when glimpse Darth Vader’s disfigured cranium.
Finally, Hector had to return to school. He wore a black, Tim Burton’s Batman hat clamped tight over his skull. Hector was welcomed back to class and bombarded with questions. But, as is common with six-year-olds, life went back to normal within a few days. Then at the end of the school year, Hector told me he was moving away, and I never saw him again.
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Go long enough in life, and someone close will leave. It might be death, or moving away, or retirement. A couple months ago, Pastor Dale told our congregation he was retiring.
I have attended churches and visited friend’s congregations where the pastor’s retirement should be called the “gospel” because it is good news! Maybe the priest was so divisive that most people stopped going. Or the pastor never read Ezra 3:10-13 or Ecclesiastes 7:10 and every sermon is about the good ’ol days. Well, that’s not Pastor Dale, he is authentic, loving, and wants to move forward.
Great, I thought, Who’s the idiot they’ll bring in to sink the ship? Standing, I interrupted Dale’s heartfelt announcement by shouting, “This is Hector all over again!” Okay, maybe I didn’t do that. But, now in my early forties, I can tell you abandonment issues are no joke.[i]
Since my fever dream didn’t happen, Pastor Dale was able to explain the church’s plans for the future (which we’ll get to later since I think they’re genius and every church should adopt them). For this chapter’s purposes, the Assistant Pastor, Miles, was nominated to become Lead Pastor.
The Misérables : Deconstructing Faith, Toxic Leaders & Bad Teaching
Sometimes you trade one leader for someone worse. I’ve had a dozen presidents at my work, but I can count on a shop teacher’s hand how many of them were humble. Don’t worry – we like Miles.
He’s that rare mid-thirties pastor who embodies character over charisma. He once planned a D&D campaign for the youth group, was voted down by the deacons, and with no hostility, kept loving everyone! At the risk of this sounding like the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials, Miles’ favorite film is Les Misérables, but you can forgive him for that. I know I have.
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There are plenty of valid reasons for people to deconstruct their faith. But if I had to distill it down to its core, I’d say the worst culprits are: poor teaching and bad leadership. Subjecting us children of the ’80s and ’90s to constant fearmongering was leading to…thriving and joyful lives?[ii] Televangelists are supposed to use tithes to buy four houses, three private jets, two adulteries, and a partridge in an orchard of pear trees? God’s only plan for my life is to make me rich? Yeah, I wouldn’t be a Christian if these were my only examples either.
So what makes Dale a good pastor? Lots of things: he humbly studies and exposits the word of God, loves people without judging, has a sense of humor, and, most importantly, is bald and has a beard (I’ve heard God gives those last two gifts only to the wisest and most deserving). But what stood out most on the day of his retirement announcement, was Dale’s reflection.
The Pastoral Care Role: A Pragmatic Schematic
After the service, I cornered Dale in the same way our classmates asked Hector questions. After congratulating Dale on both retirement (in three years) and the church’s genius succession plan, I asked what I could pray for. The resulting conversation seems to have changed the course of my life. Well, as of now it’s only been about a month and a half, but hey, life’s short.
Dale responded that he would like the future Senior Pastor to have a support system. He described never having advisors making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed, or ensuring that his wife and family were okay, or advocating for cost-of-living raises, or counselors asking if he’d taken on too much, as a few examples. I stood a little dumbfounded at the rationality of the request and that somehow, I’d never heard of or considered something like this. Intrigued, I asked, “Would this be one person or a committee?… And would they have to be on staff?” Shrugging, Dale admitted he didn’t know.
I told him I’d pray about all of it, especially the pastoral care role. Grabbing my cup of Christian crack (coffee), I headed off to teach a Bible study. But that conversation kept rattling around in my head.
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My family and I practice Sabbath, so later that day, as I sipped my Hi-C Ecto Cooler and lounged with my wife reading, I broached the subject. Summarizing the discussion, I asked Jenna if she’d ever heard of a pastoral care support system like this. I was quick to add that I didn’t mean just another responsibility for elders but a dedicated ministry to keep the minister ministering.
“No,” she mused, “But it sounds awesome. And as a pastor’s wife, someone checking in with the family would be invaluable.” Before I had a chance to launch into another characteristically long-winded diatribe, she said, “You know… we’ve been burned and burned out by the Church, so I’m not trying to sign you up for more frustrating meetings and time away from home. But I think you’d be perfect for this role or committee. After all, you tried doing something like this for the Lead Pastor at our last church and he didn’t want to.”
What a blessing to have such a wise and amazing wife!
Who Cares for the Caregiver?
Being mauled by pit bulls pulled Hector from healthy routines of community and isolated him in the ICU. In the same way, many of us have been wounded by the Church, driving us from healthy community into isolation. And yet, if we read the Bible, understand Jesus’ true intentions, and accept the challenge of vulnerability in joining the Church, we can find peace.
God didn’t design us merely as individuals but equally as communal beings.[iii] The reason community is a “challenge of vulnerability” is because people are broken. And yet, in Jesus’ plank-in-eye analogy we must recognize our hypocrisy in tandem with the duplicity of other believers and leaders.
And contrary to the news, there are humble leaders along with toxic overseers in the Church. We can support the good leaders, mentor the edge-walkers, and reprove the narcissists. If, like Hector, a pastor’s wounding and isolation could be prevented, isn’t it our duty to protect them? Similar to Alan Moore’s adage about the Watchmen, I must ask, “Who cares for the caregiver?”
All of us should pray for our pastors but I wonder if a select few in each church are called to pastoral care. I’d greatly appreciate your thoughts and experiences on deconstructing faith and pastoral care here. In the end, only God knows where we’re headed. But I invite you to join me in the future chapters of this journey journal with our Ecto Coolers in hand.
[i] But if there were a church-dad joke on the subject, it would go: “What do you call a flock of sheep abandoning their leader? Muttony.”
[ii] I may be a snowflake, but it’s traumatizing to constantly be told Jesus is coming back today and you have to accept Him immediately or risk hell. Not only does alarmist rhetoric become exhausting but you lose credibility every time you say, “We’re in the end times because it can’t get any worse.” The inevitable outcome of this type of culture is not only our deeply divided country over the last decade (roughly 2016-2026), but contradictory messages promoted as “Christianity.” My prayer is that Jesus’ true mission of love, ushering in the kingdom of heaven, and joyful hope, make it to all the people who have had to listen to “Christians” misrepresent God. For more on fearmongering’s impact, see my article “1983 vs. 2023: When is Revival Right for America?”
[iii] I’d love to write a book on how God has imprinted His triune nature on everything. We are a body, soul, and spirit. There are three realms: physical, spiritual, and social. Families are comprised of a wife, husband, and children. The list goes on and on - I mean, there are three primary colors, films have three acts, check the Fibonacci Sequence - but I digress. For our purposes, it’s worth noting we are (1) individuals, (2) born into families, (3) intended for community (local and church).