Why Christianity’s New Fad of Denouncing Empathy is Actually Narcissistic
Earlier this week my wife told me there are two new books out about how Christians shouldn’t be empathetic. I didn’t say a word, just pulled out my phone and read Hebrews 4:15 aloud. Not wanting to give such an absurd idea my brainshare, I moved on. But the matter kept rattling around in my grey matter. Then today, while reading Chuck DeGroat’s fantastic When Narcissism Comes to Church, it clicked. And that click, is what you’re about to read.
The Bonfire of the Empathies
The two recent books are Joe Rigney’s The Sin of Empathy: Compassion and Its Counterfeits and Allie Stuckey’s Toxic Empathy: How Progressives Exploit Christian Compassion. Full disclosure, I haven’t read either of them. And, if this triggers your trauma of conservatives condemning The Simpsons in the early ’90s or hating Harry Potter in the 2000s, I can empathize. I too struggle when a naysayer hasn’t viewed the content.
I have read both synopsis’ and appreciate Beth’s attempted qualifier of using “toxic” before “empathy.” This is also not an attack on the publishers Penguin Group (technically it’s conservative imprint Sentinel) or Cannon Press (although it’s selling a “No Quarter November” flamethrower is weird).
In fact, assuming these author’s good intentions, there truly is an issue of the Western Christian Church imitating society. The problem is that when we use alarmist, clickbait concepts (like the evils of empathy), we model the Church after a selfish culture instead of after the Bible’s loving, revolutionary gospel.
Empathy Etymology
Remember my earlier reaction of reading Hebrews 4:15? Well, the verse says: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin” (NIV, author’s emphases).[i] Let’s cut to the etymology.
“Empathy” is based on the Greek word “empátheia, meaning ‘affection’ or ‘passion.’” Interestingly, the beginning (“em”) means “in” and the base (“path”) means “to suffer.” This is why an empath will “suffer in” the same difficulty with a friend or stranger. And it’s worth noting that although “sympathy” shares the “to suffer” (path) base portion, its prefix of “sym” means “with” or “together.” So if I’m stuck in a hole, a sympathetic (“with”) person is “near” me yelling down, “That stinks,” but an empathetic (“in”) person will jump “in” the hole and help us figure the way out (watch Brene Brown’s hilarious animated explanation).
Jumping back to that verse where Jesus (the “high priest”) empathizes, the words that stand out to me are “weakness” and “tempted.” So unlike Rigney’s definition that empathy is a “sin,” Jesus practiced empathy by facing weakness and temptation, yet not sinning, so that He could compassionately comfort us.
This empathetic, sinless Jesus lines up with the rest of Scripture. Saint Paul described Jesus like this: “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant… he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death…” (author’s emphasis).[ii] What kind of person is the opposite of “servant,” “humbled,” and “obedient”? Unfortunately, we end up with a narcissist.
After reciting the American Psychiatric Association’s clinical definition of narcissism, Psychologist Chuck DeGroat highlights a major characteristic: “…note the impairments of empathy or intimacy. The narcissist is always out of touch with himself and others.” He goes on to explain how the false self’s charisma “protects the true self from shame and exposure,” which is especially dangerous in Church leadership because “feign[ing] empathy…allows for relationship without the risk of real vulnerability.”[iii]
Using charisma to protect from further shame and being completely detached from others and oneself is incredibly saddening (well, I guess only if it’s okay to be empathetic). But maybe denouncement of empathy comes from a fear that there’s not much we can do to help others. Or maybe there is guilt in knowing others need help while we sit idley by, so instead of owning up to our very human failures and limitations, we simply erase the need to help people.
In fact, Brene Brown says, “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” So we can and should help people, but it will probably cost us time and leave us exposed. For me, this interpersonal connection sounds eerily like Jesus’ character and example for us.
Doesn’t Brown’s statement align with DeGroat’s diagnosis that arrogance builds a façade of “relationship without the risk of real vulnerability”? Sure, vulnerability leads to discomfort and casting off the illusion of control. But maybe this empathetic Jesus can provide comfort in those awkward, raw, and risky conversations of connection where we look outside ourselves and help others.
Vanity, Vanity, All is…Empathy
Both empathy denouncing books seem very similar, leaning on exhausted buzzwords like “progressive” and “manipulation” as enemies. But what if Jesus was above current politics? What if He told us that even when we know we’re being manipulated, we must turn the other cheek anyway (i.e. an act of empathy and love)? I know this type of meek humility isn’t popular amongst a “give no quarter” nation and church. But that’s how I was won over to a loving Jesus, so that’s how I choose to obey an empathetic God.
There are many, many Scriptures emphasizing empathy (directly or indirectly), let’s briefly look at a few.
Does This Help Me?: Empathy Provides Accessibility
Maybe we think it’s nice that Jesus had empathy and died on the cross, but wonder if it actually impacts us. It does – when we trust in Him, we’re able to enter heaven, but there’s more too. One last time, back to Hebrews 4. As we’ve seen, Jesus empathizes with our struggles but never sinned, then the author concludes with the shocking words: “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” What?! I can approach the most holy and unapproachable God confidently receiving mercy and grace because sinless Jesus made the way? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been comforted in my “times of need” by Jesus in this very way.
But Did Jesus Say I Should Be Empathetic?: Learning to Read Between the Lines
As individuals we may be helped by Jesus’ empathy, but does He tell us to be empathetic to others? Yep, direct examples are in Matthew 7:12, 9:36; Luke 7:11-16, 15:20; John 11:33-35, 15:13, etc. But Jesus also indirectly explained and here’s an example:
The Old Testament said to retaliate, but I say, “do not resist an evil person.” If anyone slaps your cheek, offer them your other cheek to slap. If anyone sues you for your shirt, give them your coat too. If anyone forces you to carry their burden for a mile, willingly carry it for another mile. Give gifts to people and if someone asks to borrow, let them. People say, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy,’ but I say, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” It’s easy to love people who love you, instead you should be perfect like God.[iv]
Stuckey and Rigney’s thesis seems to be: give no quarter to liberal agendas or evil. But Jesus gives eight commands (here alone) where Christians should give no quarter to selfish nature, instead sacrificing their “rights” in order to help others. And it’s this contrary reaction from Jesus that helps Christians empathize and be “in pain,” so they can help others. Only once we’ve sacrificed our “rights,” are we truly in touch with others, properly expressing Jesus’ love through the Holy Spirit.
Maybe That Was a One-Off?: Loving God & Others
Okay, but maybe Jesus’ words are a fluke. Did anyone else say this? Yeah, one of them was the Apostle Paul who tells us to “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”[v] What? I thought Jesus abolished the Law. No, He fulfilled it,[vi] but He also gave us two commands: (1) love God and (2) love others.[vii] So it’s no surprise Paul believed that as we “carry each other’s burdens,” we will be loving God and others. It’s also no coincidence that after this verse, Paul immediately hammers on humility.[viii]
Even if Stuckey and Rigney don’t believe true empathy is bad (hard to prove when your title is The Sin of Empathy), the concept of denouncing it is still misleading and gives the wrong perception. What may have seemed like a good sales hook, in practice implies that Jesus and all Christians are apathetically self-absorbed. Jesus said non-Christians love those who love them, but commanded Christians to love the unlovely. So if Christians advertise an adamant disinterest in genuinely understanding and loving others, why would non-Christians ever think we care and have a message of hope?
[i] Granted, many translations use “sympathize” and some use “understand” here instead of “empathize.” But “sympathize” was solely used for “empathy-related phenomena,” since “empathize” didn’t exist in English until either 1909 or 1920. And it was certainly not used in common speech until much later. That’s why it’s important to use context clues from the Bible. It doesn’t seem like a stretch to say that although Jesus and the other biblical authors didn’t speak English, the word “empathize” is the clearest word we have for the thought.
[ii] Philippians 2:6-8
[iii] Chuck DeGroat, When Narcissism Comes to Church, 2020, IVP, p. 35.
[iv] My summation of Matthew 5:38-48
[v] Galatians 6:2
[vi] Matthew 5:17
[vii] Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus pulled from actual laws from Deuteronomy 6:5 and Leviticus 19:18.
[viii] Galatians 6:3-6